I got a pickle. I got a pickle! I got a pickle hey, hey, hey, hey!

 

 

I’m in a pickle.

And a little frustrated with myself.

I had the pleasure of spending the past few days with three of the most adorable kids evah! Oh yeah, and their mom and dad. 🙂

Cute kiddos need to have their cuteness documented for Uncle Brian and Auntie Lo. That means pictures!

This is where the pickle comes in.

I know feel all some of these pictures are uh, less than flattering

Despite losing 30 pounds.

And here’s my pickle.
I know I need to be healthier. Not skinny, but losing (mor

e) weight is part of getting healthy. Dirty words…

I have been working so fricken hard but *I* can’t see the results of my hard work.

I know my body is changing, but all I see when I look in the mirror or at pictures is the arm flab, thunder thighs, chipmunk cheeks and flab-tastic belly.

And I want to give up.

I feel like I’m failing in getting healthy.
If I’m failing despite all the work, what’s the point?

Seriously. Someone, please, tell me what the point is because I can’t see it.

Bueller…
Bueller?

Putting It All Out There

I’m trying to lose weight and get healthy. 

People on twitter know this, but not a whole lot of people I’ve met in real life know what I’m trying to do.

My mom and sisters know.

And that’s about it.

I’m too scared to say it out loud.

Because I’m absolutely terrified I’m going to fail.

I’m not sharing my ups and downs because I’m afraid someone is going to throw it in my face. It’s happened before. Once burned, twice shy.

I’m afraid of not living up to people’s expectations.

My own expectations most of all.

I know I’m wonderfully and fearfully made, that I’m not like anyone else, but there are moments I wish I was.

I wish I had self-control and discipline.

I wish I didn’t have the damn insulin resistance and PCOS.

And the thing that holds me back the most and pisses me off the most?

My brother is losing weight.

Rapidly

And I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep up with him.

I’m afraid I won’t get the positive reinforcement I SO desperately need because it is so difficult for me to lose weight.

I  know how dumb that is for me to think.

I want to bitch slap myself.

In my head I know no one is going to compare me to my brother.

But *I* am.

I know I shouldn’t.

I realize we’re two completely different people.

With different goals.

Drives.

Obstacles.

I can’t get my heart on the same level.

The distance between my head and heart can be so incredibly far sometimes.

But.

I’m not doing this for recognition.

I’m doing it to get HEALTHY.

I’m doing it for me.

For my future family with B.

So, I’m going to put it out there.

I’m actually going to talk about it with friends and family.

I’m going to put it all out on facebook for people I know in real life to see.

I will not be my own worst enemy anymore.

I will not wimp out.

I will do this in my own time.

I will be supported and loved every step of the way.

Most importantly,

I will be successful.

#Mamavation Mondays

I’ve reached a few SIGNIFICANT milestones in my weight loss journey this week.

This week I’ve worn shorts.

In public.

Multiple times.

I haven’t worn shorts outside of the comforts of my own home since 8^th grade.

ELEVEN YEARS AGO.

Yeah, it’s been THAT long.

I haven’t had the confidence in myself to wear shorts. Even when I wore them at home or mowing the lawn I was constantly fiddling with them.

I wasn’t comfortable. My legs were too short and thick. My thighs are too chunky, too jiggly. Damn you chub rub!  My calves looked too big. I do have some SERIOUSLY muscular calves. Of course Hubster has these skinny little bird legs that go on for miles. Ass. But for some reason it works. I’m jealous of his long, lean legs and he’s jealous of my muscular, defined calves. I’ll take it!

It’s been hot in the mitten this week. Like in the 80s humid, sticky, just get out of the shower and feel like you need to get back in, my hair is a GIIIIIIIIIIIIANT frizz ball kind of hot. I bet that visual put you in the mood…  Hot enough where I felt the need to wear shorts. I don’t own any; I had to borrow a pair from my sister.

I button and zipped the shorts, took a deep breath, walked into the hallway and took a look in the full length mirror.

And hawt daym if my legs didn’t look smokin’! Uh huh,  hawt daaaaaym.

My calves are still rock hard muscle, but my thighs are slimming down and toning up. Somehow my thighs being smaller makes my calves look smaller. I don’t know how it works, but it does. I’ll take it! I felt/feel so good about myself that I’m planning on rocking the shorts a lot this summer.

I can’t wear shorts at work. The little old lady I’m working with who reminds me of the Grandma from Beverly Hillbillies keeps her apartment at a tropical 85,000 degrees. My only option other than sweating to death is to wear the capris I’ve had for a few years and struggled to button and zip last year.

Friday I pulled a pair out of the drawer they had been banish to, took a deep cleansing breath and pulled them up. Pulled not shimmied into…a good sign. Button and zipped with the pants with ease! and took a few steps back to take a look in the mirror.

I was totally shocked by what I saw.

I had a flat ass. My butt is toned, firm and round. I have a nice ass. If I do say so myself…! The same pair of pants I dreaded putting on last year hang low on hips and make me look like I have a flat saggy ass.

Not okay.

There are few things I’m proud of on my body and my toned ass and calves are about it. Making these physical attributes look good is not going to work.

I need some summer clothes.

I happened to have a 30% of coupon to one of my favorite clothing stores.

And that means a shopping trip.

ALWAYS a good thing. 

This week’s Mamavation blogging prompt

In your wellness efforts what is the simplest healthy habit that makes you feel most centered after doing it?

I find myself doing a lot of deep, conscious breathing. I have issues with panic attacks. When I feel myself ramping up for one, I take deep, focused breaths. It helps, my breathing slows down, my heart rate comes down, the pounding in my ears fades away and the elephant sitting on my chest starts to go away.

Deep breaths in addition to stretching get me amped up to do just about anything. Hubster makes fun of me, but that’s how I start every morning. And a little extra oxygen before the first cup of coffee is NEVER a bad thing… 

I wrote this blog post while participating in the Mamavation Blogging Carnival for a chance to win a pair of Earth Footwear sandal

No Longer a Member of Fatties Anonymous

Hi, my name is Laura. And I’m a fatty.

There is no denying that I’m round, pleasantly plump, fluffy, husky, curvy fat. I’m 5 feet 3 inches tall and over 200 pounds. You do the math. A lot of me is boobs, that I started getting in 2nd grade, but that’s still a lot of woman. Hubster loves the boobs. He doesn’t want them to go anywhere, but anything more than a handful is a waste, right? I’ve got a few handfuls.

I know I’m fat. I’ve accepted it. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I LIKE IT.

I’m over being fat. I’m done being unhappy with the reflection in the mirror. The way I look. The way my clothes fit. Shopping in the maternity section even though I’m not, nor have I ever been, pregnant. That last one is a REAL smack in the face.

I want to be able to buy cute clothes. I want to be able to do things without getting out of breath.  I want to jiggle less. I want to have more energy. Feel better physically and mentally.

 But most of all, I want to be a Mommy. I have some fertility issues (and being overweight definitely doesn’t help), but I’ll be a Mommy one way or another. I want to be the best Mommy I can be. I want to able to run, jump, play, teach my future kidlet(s) proper nutrition and model a healthy life style. I want to life a long, healthy life for myself, my husband and my family. I can’t do that right now. I want to be the best daughter, sister, friend, wife and mom I can possibly be.

SO I’M DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

I’ve made lifestyle changes. I’m making conscious decisions about what/how much I’m eating. I’m *trying* to slowly cut out the bad stuff. I’m working out. I’m making an effort to get off my (flat, but at the same time jiggly-yes, it does happen) ass and DO things.

I will no longer let my weight define me.

I will no longer walk into a room and desperately search for someone my size.

I will no longer try to be anything and everything for everyone else to compensate for my size and to ‘help’ people like me.

 I will not let my weight hold me back from doing things I want to do and becoming the person I am.

I’m going to do this the healthy way.

I will not revert back to the thin, but incredibly unhealthy ways of my younger days.

I will not let the scale define me.

I define me.

I know this isn’t going to be easy. Or happen overnight. But the things that are worth it rarely are.

Let’s get this journey started!

I wrote this blog post while participating in the Bookieboo and Hayneedle Treadmill blogging program, making me eligible to win a treadmill. For more information on how you can participate, click here.

Mamavation Monday 3

This week I didn’t do so hot with diet and exercise. I hardly exercised Friday-Sunday and I did a fair amount of stress eating. I tried to stress eat healthy things, but munching on celery just doesn’t have the same stress fighting power as chocolate.

I keep gaining and losing the same 5 lbs. I’d LOVE to lose more than the 5 lbs and I’m glad I don’t gain more than the 5lbs. I’m glad to be maintaining instead of gaining. And I think my scale might be a little fickle. It might be time to invest in a new one.

All stress eating happened this weekend while Hubster was in the hospital after surgery. I’d like to think that a hospital of all places would have some healthier meal options in the cafeteria, but no such luck. I did manage to eat breakfast each day we were at University of Michigan…but it’s wasn’t the healthiest of things, but I could have done A LOT worse with the options I had. The doughnuts were SCREAMING my name, but I managed to resist. Woohoo!

I’m over the moon that my in-laws were able and willing to come for the surgery, but that meant constant eating out. Thursday night when we made it to Ann Arbor, we went to dinner at a Chinese buffet. (Insert ohhhhhhh sh*t here.) Due to the crappy weather, the buffet was closed, so we ordered from the menu. I switched brown rice for the white rice. The portion sizes were beyond huge so I took 80+% back with me. (Which fed Hubster and myself 2 meals each when we came back home!) I didn’t do so horrible the rest of the weekend, but I’m sure I could have done things differently. Hey, live and learn!

On the upside, my mom got a new treadmill. That means old Nordic Track was unearthed and now has a new home in our basement. Woohoo! I didn’t get a chance to break it in yet with taking care of the patient and all, but I can’t wait! I DID talk to Hubster and asked him to annoy me about using it. He had no problem saying yes to that request!

My weight remains basically the same. I’m okay with that. I’m taking steps to be healthy and that’s what matters. The numbers on the scale will change soon enough. I’m continuing to make better choices about what and how much I put in my mouth and I’m making an effort to exercise-more, better, longer. Soon enough, I won’t even have to think about it, it will just be second nature!

I hope you’re all having an excellent Monday. A bit of an oxymoron, I know, but never underestimate the power of positive thinking! 🙂

Mamavation Monday: Week 2, part deux

I had my Mamavation post all written and set for automatic post a few days ago. I linked it up not really paying attention to what it said. I just read it.

Wow, I was having a bit of a moment.

I still feel discouraged, but I’m giving myself a kick in the (flat and flabby, yes it does happen, but getting toned.) butt.  

I may have only lost 2 lbs in the entire time I’ve been working on losing weight  past two-ish weeks, but I haven’t GAINED any either.

The scale number may not be moving (It’s broken, I swear!) but my clothes are fitting better and differently.

I’ve made positive changes toward a healthier me.

– I’ve started drinking tons more water.

– I’ve cut down on the crap-tastic snacking.

-I’ve realized when I’m emotionally eating my feelings instead of dealing with them.

-I’ve made a serious effort to work out. Even when it’s the last thing I want to do.

My goal this week is to keep being positive. To keep making healthy decisions. In order to do that, there are a few things I have to get off my (well endowed and THE last place I lose poundage), chest. (Doggone genetics!)

 Screw you, Mr. Scale! I don’t really care what you have to say. I’m an independent woman and obsessively listening to what you have to say isn’t doing me any favors. So, we’re only going to talk once a week. If you’re going to talk smack, I’m going to stop listening.

And as for you Miss Emotional Eating! We’re going to be fighting A LOT this week. Hubster’s pre-op appointment and testing are tomorrow and surgery is happening Friday.  This is our first surgery. We’re nervous and we’re scared. And we’ll be spending time with the MIL while nervous and scared. (Wow, talk about a triple threat!) But we will make it through the surgery. No amount of chocolate, or vending machine snacking is going to make it any easier or go any faster. We’ll take baby steps…HEALTHY snacks and gum. Well the gum is for Mr. I’m-Stressing-And-A-Cigarette-Sounds-Amazing because he’ll be calling, but I’m just going to ignore his call.

I CAN do this. I WILL do this. I AM going to make this happen. Surgery, MILs, pity parties, sneak snack attacks, emotional eating and stubborn scales be damned!

Mamavation Monday

I’m getting discouraged. Seriously discouraged.

PCOS with insulin resistance aren’t making this any easier. Granted, I was diagnosed not all that long ago, but I thought that after two months I would be seeing SOME changes.

I seem to have hit a plateau with my weight loss. After a whopping 2 lbs. TOTAL

I not convinced that the meds I’m on are working.

– I have yet to have a period since starting the medication.

-I’m still having lots of issues with side effects. Let’s just say it’s not pretty.

-Weight loss is still incredibly hard, despite changes in diet and exercising.

Sigh, I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but I really didn’t think it would be this freaking hard.

I DO have an appointment with the doctor  in early February. If there aren’t some improvements by then, I think it’s time to have a Come to Jesus talk about what my options are.

I keep hoping that something will change. That somehow all the pieces will magically come together and I’ll figure out what the picture is supposed to look like.

If we have kids.

If diet and exercise are going to eventually pay off.

If my parents are still together, or if we’re all existing in Limbo.

I really wish God had a facebook, email, phone number, twitter, texting… SOMETHING!

Seeing it in black in weight

Rachel, my bestest best friend and fellow mamavation sista, introduced me to myfitnesspal.com. Oh my word! Talk about an awesome site!

This site is alllllllll about accountability. It asks you what your current weight is, you goal weight, how much weight you want to lose per week. It gives you the amount of calories, fats, carbs and proteins you would eat, per day, to make your goal weight by losing X amount of weight per week. It gives you blanks to fill in for how much of what you ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. AND IT FILLS IN THE CALORIES, CARBS, FAT AND PROTEIN!

I’m definitely NOT gifted in the kitchen. Hubster and I eat out a fair amount, waaaaay more than we should. This site also has the nutritional information from restaurants.

It also has an exercise tracker. You put in how much of what you did, cardio and strength and it tells you how many calories you burned and those are EXTRA calories you could eat and still make your goals. It’s amazing. I’m so in love with myfitnesspal.com that I almost feel like I’m cheating on Hubster…

It’s up to you to input all the information. Only you know what you ate and how much.  There is a special kind of joy plugging in what I ate come in under my recommended calories. It’s easy to fudge, but really the only person you would be hurting is yourself.

This site  made me realize how much of what I was eating and what that meant calorie wise. It was kind of a wake up call. I was eating healthy(er) things, but the amount of what I was eating was the killer and I didn’t even realize it. Now I do. And I’m making decisions that are better for me.

Maybe I’m a little slow on the uptake and other people know about this site, but I HAD to share. Happy Friday and have a fabulous weekend!

Hmmm… fancy that.

Holy crap.

I had a feeling today that I haven’t had in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time.

I’m HUNGRY!

I usually graze on crap that isn’t good for me all. day. long.

Since deciding to make better and healthier choices about what and how much I eat and exercising, I’ve felt better about myself. I’ve had more energy. I’ve been happier. I’ve been sleeping better-ish. All FABULOUS things.

And I’m hungry.

At normal times.

Like a ‘normal’ person.

Fancy that.

Suggestions

I’ve made the decision to take better care of myself. I’ve made some diet changes, but that’s not enough.

I’m in need of a work out routine.

I need some direction. The mamavation hazing on twitter is awesome, but I feel like there is more I can do to be helping myself.

I get bored at the gym. I do the same thing over and over a few times and then stop going.

Any suggestions on a fun, at home, whip my butt in to shape, regimented but not boring, make me cry for my momma, high energy, help me feel better about my body, make me hurt but I want to do it again work out?