Archive | February, 2011

Mamavation Week 7

28 Feb

This may be the most difficult post I’ve ever written. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally.

I’ve toyed with writing this post for weeks. I think I’m finally in the right place to write it and actually hit publish.

My weight has been my armor. My impenetrable wall. My protector. The thing that says to world, “Do not open. Damaged goods.”

As early as I can remember until I was 10, I went to a babysitter. The sitter had two sons who were older than I was. Her oldest son abused and molested me. I thought all kids played doctor with no clothes on. I didn’t realize all the touching, poking, prodding wasn’t what everyone else was doing. I thought everyone had code words to let me know how and where the ‘doctor’ was going to touch them.

Attention from boys was how I knew I was worth something. In high school I was a flirt, a tease, wore tight-fitting, low cut tops. And I got a lot of attention. I had a small waist and big boobs. And I showed it all off. I left nothing to the imagination and I got lots of attention for it. To me, attention meant love.

In 2004 I met X. He was so good-looking and he paid attention to me. He was perfect. I feel head over heels in what I thought was love. He was so perfect and I was SO undeserving. I was set on doing anything and everything I could to keep this perfect man happy. I would wear what he wanted. Be what size he wanted. Talked to who he let me talk to. Ate only what and when X  allowed me to eat. Wore makeup when I around him, but not around anyone else. I did everything he asked me to.

It wasn’t enough. He cheated on me with someone significantly older. I thought I wasn’t doing something right. He wasn’t paying attention to me. He didn’t love me anymore and I was devastated. I tripled my efforts to be what X wanted me to be. I spent all my time with him. I stopped hanging out with the few friends I had left. I didn’t eat so I could be skinnier and more attractive to him. If he wanted me to grow a third arm out of my butt I was going to do everything I could to make it happen.

Eleven months later, something finally clicked. I’d had enough of his emotional abuse. I was fed up with him telling me I was fat, I needed to lose weight or he was going to cheat again (which he never stopped doing).  The 652,357,419,851,687th time my mom told me I deserved better I believed her. I broke up with X just before I was set to move to Texas from Michigan with him.

Attention still equalled love in my mind. I went through boyfriends like they were Kleenex. I was young and attractive. I fell in and out of love with boy after boy. Then I met Y. He didn’t take it to well when I decided to move on. He told me in detail why and how he was going to kill me. He was going to get away with it because no one cared enough about a stupid slut like me to miss me or report anything.

That was the final straw. If love was attention like this, I didn’t want anyone to love me. So I ate. I ate my feelings. I ate so I wouldn’t be attractive to guys and wouldn’t have to put up with the way they were treating me.I didn’t want to be potentially desirable and end up in the same situation I’d been in time and time again. I went from 130 lbs to 225 lbs in less than 4 years.

December of 2007 I met Brian. I’d been single for over two years and I certainly wasn’t looking for a relationship. We started hanging out as friends and things just blossomed from there. December 11, 2008 he asked me to marry him. July 11, 2009 I became his wife. Never once have I doubted the sincerity of Brian’s feelings for me. Brian has shown me so much about healthy relationships and the difference between lust and love. He’s shown me I’m worth loving time and time again.

I’m finally starting to love myself.

Loving myself means I can ditch the fat armor. Loving myself means being HEALTHY. For Brian. Our future. Our kids.  And myself.

Ultimately it’s up to me. I’m the one that has to put up or shut up. No one else can do it for me. I’m taking baby steps toward a healthier version of myself, but I’m afraid I can’t do it alone. I’m going to slip back into old habits. Old ways of thinking.  That’s where Mamavation comes in. The love and support this group of women gives is amazing. If I have an off day or week, it’s okay. They still care. They help me pick myself up, dust off and start again. I’ve never personally met them, but we’re all fighting our own battles to get healthy and they GET it. To each and every member of Mamavation, THANK YOU! Thank you for you compassion and faith in me. You mean more to me than you can ever possibly know.

Down Side to Weight Loss.

23 Feb

I’m sick of being fat, unhealthy, out of shape, etc. So I did something about it. I started working out, cut out the crap from my diet-all the things you’re supposed to do to lose weight and get healthy.

It’s working.

I’ve lost 12 pounds in 2 months. I have more energy. I feel better- mentally and physically. I’m healthier.  My clothes fit differently. All good things.

But, there are downsides to weight loss.

My jeans (and unmentionables) aren’t as snug as they used to be. Meaning I’m CONSTANTLY hitching my pants (and unmentionables) back up. If I don’t, I could double as a plumber. Let’s face it, crack is whack. I don’t want to see your butt crack peeking, or in my case all out staring, out at me. I know you don’t want to see mine.

My jeans are too big. I’m not done losing this extra weight I’ve been carrying around so I’m not willing to dish out money for jeans that are going to be too big sooner rather than later. It’s a waste of money I don’t have to spend. Drawstring/pajama/elastic waist pants have become my new best friend.

And Hubster’s.  

The man is 29 going on 15. Pants-ing me is his new favorite thing to do. He finds it HILARIOUS. Me, not so much… It’s not such a big deal at home (foreplay?).  I’m waiting for the time we’re out in public and the mood to yank my pants from ass to ankles strikes.  I will not be a happy camper.

My fingers, of all places, are getting smaller. I’m losing my hair. I wear my wedding and engagement rings 24/7. What do these three things have in common? I lose a lot of hair in the shower. We took out the drain stopper to the shower to unclog the drain more easily. I wear my rings in the shower. My fingers are smaller. I just about lost my rings down the drain yesterday morning. WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN GOOD!

Regardless of the down sides, I’m not quitting. There’s still a lot more of me to lose. And confidence to gain.

Changes

23 Feb

I’m branching out. I’ve started a new blog. I’m not going to stop writing here. 

The new blog is more balls to the wall, a little more adult, sarcastic, honest and  peppered with actual four letter words. It’s basically the R rated version of SmallWorld.  If you’re intersted in reading, click  here.

The day in bullets because that’s how I roll.

22 Feb

  • Today we trekked to Ann Arbor in crap-tastic weather. Again
  • We made it there safely.
  • Surgery site looks good.
  • Stitches are starting to disolve like they should be.
  • We went to B’s favorite Chinese buffet for lunch.
  • I ate ONE plate of  veggies, brown rice, and NO breaded or fried chicken.
  • I drank water. Lots and lots of water.
  • The ice cream machine was down. Oh darn
  • We made it home safe and sound.
  • We still had power when we got home.
  • B and I got to spend the day together. Love!

Mamavation Monday 6

21 Feb

Dooooooooooooood. What. A. Week.

I haven’t stepped on a scale in a few weeks. I could feel myself sliding down the slippery eating disorder slope I ventured down in high school. I’m making changes in my life to get HEALTHY. Part of that is losing weight, but that’s only one part of the big picture. I’ve been working out more often and for longer periods of time. I’m drinking water like it’s my job. I’ve been averaging 2 liters of water a day. All the extra water means more frequent bathroom trips which means I’m up and active more. I’m making a conscious effort to move more while working my 12 shifts.

I had my much-anticipated appointment with the doctor this week. I don’t mind going to the doctor, but I’m not so much a fan of getting my blood pressure and weight taken and marked down forever in my chart. Ugh.

 I make sure to get on the scale backwards. I don’t want to know the number. I know it’s higher than it should be, but I DON’T WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH HIGHER.

My blood pressure gets taken after the scale. Of course my blood pressure is going to be a little higher than it should be. I get nervous when I’m in the office. Up goes my blood pressure. I had high-ish blood pressure the last time I was here and I’m anxious about that. Oh, see that? There it goes again! I just stepped of that d*&$ scale and I’m here about my fertility. I’m kinda tripping balls with anxiety about life in general. Seriously. It’s going to be high.

You could have knocked me over with a feather when the nurse doing my vitals told me my blood pressure was 110/70. (That blood pressure reading is one of the few ‘normal’ things about me.)

Two months ago I started some medications to help my body absorb the insulin it makes and hopefully jump-start my periods and help me regain some fertility. This was my 2 month med check. I didn’t feel like the meds were working. I wasn’t seeing changes. I skipped a monthly cycle, then got a 2 week period. (That was anything but fun) My hair is still falling out. (Bald patches as a 25-year-old woman really take serious hits on your self-esteem.) All of a sudden at 25 the Acne Fairy decided to pay me a visit. (Um, where did that b$&#% come from?!?!)

I was totally discouraged. I know these meds aren’t magic pills that are going to fix things overnight, but I was hoping for at least something.

I got my something. I’m down 12 lbs in 2 months! I actually CAN lose weight! The meds are doing their job, slowly but surely. The doctor tweaked dosage and a few other things, but they’re working. My test showed my levels are evening out and I should be seeing some improvements in the hair loss and acne soon with increased fertility and continued ability for weight loss to follow. I can lose weight, but I have to work for it. It’s not just going to happen all on its own.

Constant weight gain to down 12 lbs. Slim chance of pregnancy to more and more increased fertility. Maybe those pills have a little magic in them after all. Knowing that what I’m doing is working. I’m seeing results. Putting in blood and sweat, making lifestyle changes to be a healthier daughter, sister, friend, wife and eventually mom.  THAT’S what motivates me to get going and keeps me motivated.

**This post is sponsored by SEARS FitStudio and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway hosted by Mamavation and sponsored by Sears.**

To try get pregnant or not try to get pregnant. That is the question…

19 Feb

My doctor’s appointment went really well. I’ve lost  12 lbs in the past two months, which means my meds ARE working. I didn’t think they were doing a whole lot. If I wasn’t stressing so much I would be seeing a lot more and different results, but I’ll take what I can get. Stress is a HUGE part of my life right now

According to the doctor, the meds are working so well that if we tried to get pregnant, she would be surprised if I wasn’t pregnant in the next six months.

I’m not sure how I feel about that. I mean, I’d LOVE to get pregnant and be a Mommy. But do I want to do that right now? And it’s not all up to me. B’s opinion as my husband and the father of my future children carries a lot of weight.

Being a Mommy is the only thing I’ve ever wanted my entire life. Having that potentially taken away from me was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to hear. Do I really want to try to get pregnant right now?

B and I have been married since July 11, 2009. That’s just over a year and a half. Having children is a life long committment and changes a marriage. Do I really want to make those changes? It’s been just us for only a year and a half.

No only will kids change our relationship, but there are aunts, uncles and grandparents to think about. B’s oldest brother and sister-in-law got married last Easter. They’ve been trying to get pregnant. If pregnancy is what they want right now, I don’t want it to become a competition, or to disrupt the fragile relationship. And grandparents. Oh lordy. I don’t know what that will mean for MY parents or B’s parents. Things with the in-laws are up and down. Kids could make things better, or worse. And add a child to an at times  not so great relationship? I’m not sure I want to do that.

I’m 25 and B is 29. We still have a lot of time left to have kids. B has always wanted to have a child of his own to hold before he turns 30. That leaves 2 months to get down to business. Even if it doesn’t happen, we’re young. There’s a lot of time left. Do we just practice and let nature take its course? B leans more toward waiting. There are financial milestones he wants to meet before really trying. I agree with that. But is there ever really a ‘good’ time to have kids?

The thing that weighs on me the most- Do I want to get pregnant just because I can? I’m not sure that’s a good enough reason.

Desicions, decisons. Or just nature.

Sigh.

Today kicks ass!

18 Feb

It’s Friday.

The 2 week-long, never-ending period FINALLY ended.

I’m having an awesome hair day.

I’m wearing pants that didn’t fit two months ago.

With NO MUFFIN TOP!

The one light I always hit red no matter what time I leave for work was GREEN today!

I’m feeling refreshed and energized despite my lack of sleep last night.

Hubster slept facing me. Meaning his refried beans and chili stank ass were not.

My appointment with the doctor yesterday went very well.

I’m down 12 lbs.

My body IS responding to the meds.

Stress is exaggerating the side effects.

The doctor gave me some tools to reduce stress and a script for Xanax “for when I really feel like I’m going to tear my hair out.”

But I’m not sure if I want to take them.

The meds, and the tweaks just made, are working to the point where the doctor said she would be surprised if I wasn’t pregnant in 6 months. (Holy crap. Holy crap. holy crap.)

Hubster is excited but holy crapping, too.

Just because we can doesn’t meant we will.

Practice makes perfect right?

Today totally kicks ass.

Mamavation Monday 5

14 Feb

This week has had its ups and downs. I’m feeling better- mentally and physically. Hubster and I talked a lot this week about my family, the separation, our relationship and that helped with all the emotional weight I’ve been carrying. Hubs is the best.

 I have no idea how much I’ve lost, or if I’ve lost. The scale and I are still on a break. I had issues with an eating disorder in high school. Obsessively stepping on the scale multiple times a day was the beginning. I’m trying to me healthy, not just smaller. That’s not a road I want to go down again. Been there, done that, I’ve got the emotional scars and baggage. No thank you!

I’m pretty confident I’ve lost at least something. *Caution! Potential TMI!* If I can take my jeans out of the dryer, put them on with no problems while having my period, something is going right! That was the perfect pick me up I needed. PCOS and treatment have really sent my body on an adventure. I’m now in week two of my period (uuuuuugggggghhhhhhhh!) and I’ve felt bloated, crampy and achy every single day. Being able to put my pants on with no issues was exactly what I needed!

I’ve upped my water intake to the point where I feel like I’m floating. I’ve been attempting to cut out most of the caffeine I’ve been drinking, but migraines have slowed that process. I’ve just started double fisting with water in one hand and caffeine in the other.

My work schedule and family obligations did make it easy to make multiple meals over the weekend, but I went grocery shopping with healthy, easy to make, eat on the go nutritious foods in mind and ate that throughout the week.

I started the week well with exercising more often and longer, but I think I overdid it a bit. My hips were soooooo sore. Nordic Track-ing was sidelined and I did a lot more sit ups, crunches kind of exercises.

My appointment with the doctor was cancelled last week, but I was able to reschedule for this coming THursday. I’ll ask for the referrals to a specialist and nutritionist then. I don’t know what they’re going to say, but it can’t hurt to get more information. 

It was a great week last week. I’m feeling healthy and happy. I have zero complaints this week. I hope you all have an awesome Monday!

Hallmark is really messing with my mind.

12 Feb

Monday is Valentine’s Day. Hub and I don’t have plans to do anything. We embrace our inner 80 year-old, we’re usually in bed by 8. Getting up at the butt crack of dawn for work requires an early bed time. 

Hubster and I don’t exchange presents for any birthday/holiday. Hub’s parents never exchange gifts for each other, but buy something they both want together. They don’t even want presents from their kids for holidays. They take tis better to give than to receive very seriously and are generous givers.  My parents would buy one or two things for birthdays and exchange a few presents at Christmas.

 Both of our birthdays are in December. The first year we were dating we set a spending limit for both gift giving holidays. Hubs gave me a gorgeous diamond necklace. ( Hubs says the store was having a going out of business sale, but I still think he went over budget. This was well before joint bank accounts so I have no idea, but I’m certainly not going to complain!)

 The next December we decided to go out for a nice dinner for our birthdays. Totally fine with me. Then he decided to surprise me with an engagement ring between my birthday and  his birthday/Christmas. ( Hub has excellent taste when it comes to giving gifts. You can’t go wrong with diamonds!)

The next December we were married. We had a house with a mortgage and bills, so we decided to go the way of his parents and buy something together for the house. Totally fine with me. Same for last year. I’m more than okay with that.

Hubster has given me flowers once. I didn’t know how to tell him I had fertility issues and our chances of having kids by his self-imposed deadline, or at all, weren’t looking great. I knocked back a few glasses of wine and had a full-fledged panic attack. Between sobs and hyperventilating and word vomited everything the doctor had said. He said he had to go get gas and left. I was irate…Until he came back with flowers. That I dried, pressed and saved. 

 I was so touched by that one little gesture. I wish he would do things like that more often. He set the bar so high for himself. And then stopped playing.

I don’t mean that I want Hub to go and spend tons of money, buy diamonds or flowers all the time or go all out with an extravagant night out. With everything going on in our/my life right now I could use a little something that says I know this is a Hallmark holiday and not really important, but I wanted to do a little something to show you I love you. Not that our marriage is in trouble, or I doubt Hub’s love but I could really use that little something extra. Am I being ridiculous and bending to all the Hallmark hype?

Hey, Moral Compass! Which way is north?

7 Feb

My moral compass seems to be on the fritz. Right and wrong are usually very easily defined, but I have a dilemma that falls in the gray area.

I work in home health care. The case I have is a 24/7 case with 12 hour shifts. 6.30-6.30.

I got to work this morning and the person who I relieve usually has her car started and warming up. It’s Michigan, it’s pretty stinkin’ cold right now. 

 Her car wasn’t started this morning… Weird.

Garbage is taken out each shift and laundry is set out so it can be picked up, washed and returned.

Neither garbage, nor laundry was out this morning… Strange.

The door is unlocked so the next shift can come in.

The door was locked… Crap.

 I called my co-worker to ask her to open the door and let me in.

No answer… I half wonder if she fell asleep.

I go get the hide-a-key, come back to the door.

Now the laundry is outside. The door is open.

I walk in, say hello to the person I’m relieving.

She’s yawning. Rubbing her eyes. She has her winter hat on. Acting really strange. Talking about what a busy night she had. Rushing to finish her documentation for the shift.

I go to sign her  time sheet.

There are indents from a pillow on her face. Uh oh.

The garbage has obviously not been taken out. Seriously?

There are ants all over spilled dog food that’s been sitting out for a while. Crap.

I really think she fell asleep. A HUGE no-no. And not the first time.

If I pass on my suspicions, she could get in trouble. That could have some pretty serious ramifications for me and the rest of the team. She could quit and we’re understaffed as is. She could retaliate, which would make my life miserable. I’d also feel like a tattle-tale.

If I don’t pass on my suspicions, she could continue to sleep on shift and the client could need something and she wouldn’t respond. Our job is to be there for the client. If she’s sleeping, she’s not doing her job.

Do I say something, or keep my mouth shut. I don’t have any concrete proof that she was asleep on the job, but it certainly looks that way. Do I risk getting a co-worker in trouble and the consequences? She could seriously make my job hell. Do I keep my mouth shut and hope I am wrong and that it doesn’t happen again? The client was asleep so what’s the harm? No blood no foul, but there easily could have been. If she was sleeping, was is an accident, or did she hunker down with the intention of falling asleep.

Crapit.