The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

It’s November 1st.

The official beginning to my most favoritest time of the year. I am totally aware favoritest isn’t a real word. THAT is how much I love this time of year!

November means Thanksgiving is mere weeks away. Not only does Thanksgiving bring delicious, once a year culinary masterpieces it’s the first family togetherness holiday.

No matter which parts of which family time is spent with when. Dysfunction(s) and all.

Too bad Xanax isn’t an option this year…

Right after Thanksgiving is another personal holiday.

My birthday! 

And it will two years since my parents’ separation. Instead of mourning all the emotional baggage, I’ve decided to try focus on all the positive things that have come from it and positive changes. In my relationships with my parents. My sisters. My husband. I can actually see and find positives. That’s some serious progress in the past 2 years.

Two weeks after my birthday, my son is ‘supposed’ to be born.

The son I never thought I would have.

Two weeks after my due date is a double whammy.

Brian’s birthday AND Christmas.

More fabulous food family togetherness!

I love this time of year. All the decorations, the food and the family. I can hardly wait!

But seriously, how is it November already?! Where did 2012 go?!

 

 

Turtle vs Taco

4/9/12 4 weeks 2 days. Two days after I found out I was pregnant. Please pardon my extremely dirty bathroom mirror.

6/15/12 14 weeks 2 days I need to learn to make better faces in self portraits…or learn to crop. 🙂

6/20/12 15 weeks And we have bumpage!

7/2/12 16 weeks 5 days I really need to branch out in doing my hair. If Nugget is a girl the poor thing is in a world of trouble.

Today marks 18 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I officially cannot see my feet. Not that I could see my feet past my chesticles before, but now I see belly instead of boobs. 

In TWELVE days B and I find out the gender of our child. The first thought that comes to mind when I think 12 days is holy balls, but so far the overwhelming guesses have been toward girl. Ideally my parents and sisters along with B’s parents, brothers and wives would all meet somewhere after The Appointment and we could tell our family together turtle vs taco all at the same time.

One of the many blessings (?) to having both our families in the same general area. I’m afraid I know if we don’t tell everyone all together someone is going to end upset and with hurt feelings. Though I will admit to having more than a little anxiety about the explosive/drama/awkward potential to some of my family members being in the same place at the same time. But, that’s their issue not mine and if they don’t like it they don’t have to come. So there.

  This way the grandparents, aunts and uncles don’t find out in an impersonal facebook post or generic mass text. Not that there’s anything wrong with those kinds of announcements, but I really want to see people’s reactions.

And I won’t be able to keep my big fat mouth shut. Admitting you have a problem is the first step…

I’m in need of some fun party ideas on how to share the news. How would you let family know or what awesome ways have you seen it shared?

525,600 Minutes

Five hundred-twenty five thousand-six hundred minutes ago was the start of one of the worst weeks of my life and by far the hardest year in my life. The week my whole world fell apart and my life as I knew it would never, ever be the same.

Don’t get me wrong- there have been plenty of good moments this past year too.

A roof over my head.

Plenty of food to eat.

A family and a husband that love me.

Going back to school.

A new job with hours that let me spend more time with B.

Celebrating two years of mostly  wedded bliss.

And lots of adventures with both sides of the family.

But this week it’s hard not to focus on the shit storm that came one year ago.

My parents separation and the affects (effects? I cant never remember… My English teach would be so disappointed. Sorry, Mr. VanHouten.) it had/has in my relationships with both of my parents.

And my relationships with my three younger sisters.

And their relationships with our parents and each other. It’s so hard to watch people you love going through and doing things that hurt them and some of the other people you love.

And my relationship with B.

God bless this man. I’ve definitely had my moments and he’s held me when I was a sobbing mess. Calmed me down when I’m in the middle of a panic attack and can’t see the end in sight. He’s reassured me that we aren’t my parents and don’t have an expiration date to our marriage. He’s convinced me I don’t have to be everything to everyone all the time. He’s taken my mind off the separation when everything is just too much.

I know it seems trivial, my 25th birthday. 25 was a hard age for me to turn. Being closer to 30 than 20 was a real difficult pill to swallow. And now my 26th birthday is very, VERY rapidly approaching. Four more shopping days, but who’s counting. 🙂 I’ve always felt like I’m the last to be picked for big life milestones. I got married after most of my peers. 25 just felt like 30 was moments away. I don’t know why it was such a big deal, but it just was.

My infertility diagnosis.

Testing

Medications.

Hope.

Miscarriages.

Not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Feeling completely hopeless and clueless.

Feeling like I’m not in control of my body or my future.

Infertility just sucks. There’s really no other way to put it.

This year has definitely been a beach. Plain and simple. There have been highs and gut-wrenching lows. But I’m never going to have to do it again. Thank God.

My parents won’t ever split up again.

I won’t hear I probably won’t have children without serious and expensive medical interventions and even then who knows.

And I’ll never turn 25 again.

But I will eventually turn 30. Then I’ll re-evaluate for hardest year of my life.

 

#Mamavation Mondays

Phew, what a week! My dad and I spent ALL day Saturday moving him into his new apartment and I’m SOOOOOOOORE! Lifting my arms to wash my hair was an adventure. 🙂 Especially since I bit it on our last trip and sprained my ankle and smashed my left arm. I am rocking a bunch of bruises all sorts of various colors. Thankfully B came to our rescue and helped Dad with the last load. Despite the soreness, I had an awesome day with my dad.

This week’s blogging question: What parts of your body are you especially proud of right now? What makes you love them?

My calves, for sure! My calves are the most muscular and defined part of my body. They’re pretty hawt if I do say so myself!

No, I didn't take a nekkid pic. I have shorts on. 🙂

This week’s breakdown… My fitness and steps are seriously lacking this week due to my various lumps, bumps and bruises, but I think I more than made up for them with 12 solid hours of moving and lifting. Oy.  Water intake had been on point. Even if I don’t want to drink water and hobble to the bathroom all the time. 

 

 

This post is sponsored by Grunt Styleand I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway hosted by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women

 

Frustration

 

I’m a lot of things.

Daughter.

Sister.

Wife.

Friend.

Just to name a few.

I cannot find the healthy balance between all of these things. There are important aspects of my life that are slipping through the cracks.

I’m frustrated that people and things are putting demands on my time and heart that shouldn’t even be demands on my heart and time. I can’t be everything to everyone that wants from me.

I’m frustrated that people in my life aren’t communicating with eachother, but are communicating with me and one vents to me about the other. And vice versa.

I just can’t do it anymore.

Middle man is one thing I’m being boxed into that I’m not a fan of. But it’s people I love and care about and I kind of resent it.

I wasn’t aware middle man and psychologist was in my job description.

I know this doesn’t make sense and it’s just a bunch of word vomit, but sometimes you just need to blog it out.

Ahhhh, much better…kinda.

 

 

 

Losses and Gains

I CANNOT believe May is almost over and June is right around the corner. It blows my mind that 2011 is frigging half gone already! And it got me thinking about all the things that have happened so far.. all the changes to my life, my loved ones and myself. What have you lost, gained or changed so far this year?

In the past six month lots and lots and LOTS of things have changed. I’ve lost quite a bit and I’ve gained more than I ever thought possible.

I’ve gained facebook friends, twitter followers, friendship, love and support of some pretty awesome, fabulous, kick-ass, hilarious, phenomenal Mamavation ladies who shared in my blood, sweat, tears, frustrations, laughter and silliness. These ladies have helped me see hope, gain confidence in myself and my abilities and supported me in losing around 25 lbs.

I’ve gained an infertility diagnosis and a lifelong medical issue. I’ve lost a little bit of hope with each skipped period. Every stick I’ve peed on that comes up with one line takes a smidgen more of my resolve. I’ve gained love, support and understanding from the unlikeliest of people and places. I’ve lost some respect for the people I thought should and could have loved and supported me the most.

I’ve lost my family and my sense of belonging. My parents’ separation has ripped my family apart, completely changing my family unit as I knew it. I’ve lost my sense of home. The place I grew up isn’t where my family lives, it’s where PARTS of my family live, but somehow I’ve gained different and stronger relationships with each of my parents and all of my sisters regardless of how each of us feels about the separation.

I’ve gained anxiety and panic attacks, bouts of depression and an almost debilitating fear the same thing could happen to my little family. I’m fearful of what the future holds for six (7 including B) of us. Leave and cleave has never had more meaning.

I’m easily overwhelmed around my family. I can’t handle hours upon hours of family time like I used to enjoy. That pisses me off.

I’ve become protective of how the separation looks to people on the outside. And people on the inside. I didn’t say anything to anyone about it for a long time. It was a dirty little secret. I’m just starting to gain my voice. I’m mourning the loss of my family. I’m  gaining a renewed faith and strength in my marriage and the knowledge that communication is more important that ever.

I’ve lost a few friends. I now know who I can trust and confide in and who I can’t. I’ve gained a more meaningful relationship with my in-laws. I’ve gained a bond with a SIL that never would have happened without the separation.  For that, I’m thankful.

Through all the losses and gains this past half a year, one thing stands out and means the very most to me. Despite all the emotional ups and downs, crying, complaining, bitching, whining, anxiety, hysteria, hurt and neglect  I’ve gained love, care, strength, compassion, support, understanding and a stronger bond with B. And that’s one thing I never, ever want to lose.

#mamavation Monday

Well, it’s been a while. Between our computer (still) having a virus and my ‘smart’ phone giving less than stellar performances, posting hasn’t really been an option.
Easter, changing clients, different work hours, family drama, Dramas? It seems like it never stops recently. Sigh… married life and wanting to take a vacation from life, blogging has been sorely needed and I’ve missed it. A lot.

Life has been getting the better of me recently. I’m feeling quite…overwhelmed. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m paralyzed by anxiety and fear. I feel like life has shit on me constantly for the past 6 months. I’m on guard all the time, waiting for the next emotional shit storm to hit.
Life is one of those ready or not kind of things that (unfortunately) has no pause button or fast forward... So, I plaster a smile on my face, try and laugh at all the right places and go through the motions. Hoping it looks like I’ve at least sort of got it together.
I’m going through the motions, but the motion(s) missing is exercise. I’m struggling to do the life essentials. Remembering to eat or stop eating… is a bit of a struggle. I’m slowly losing weight, but I’m afraid it might be muscle instead of fat. Even if it is fat, I’m not losing it in a healthy way. That’s not okay with me.
I need to find that gumption, however deep inside myself, and DO something. I think doing some kind of exercise is going to be theraputic. Physically and emotionally.
I need SOMETHING to get me out of my head. Whatever bit of my mind I still have up there is a messed up place.

#Mamavation Mondays

1. Rank the following fats from most healthy to least healthy:

saturated fat, polysatured fat, monosaturated fat, trans fat

According to about.com Saturated fat is the healthiest fat, monosaturated fat, polysaturated fat aren’t terrible (but there was a little give and take on which was worse) and the bad boy…trans fat.

2. How do you measure portion control with your lifestyle?

There used to be NO portion control in my life. I would sit with a bag of chips or some other muchie and just eat. Until the bad was gone. My portion was the entire bag.

Now, I ACTUALLY LOOK AND SEE WHAT A SERVING SIZE IS. Yep, it can be that easy. I don’t know why I didn’t do it before!  I look at the serving size, break out my trusty measuring cup (or eye ball it) and I’m good to go.

Amazingly, a portion size doesn’t usually leave me still hungry. Who knew?! I’m so used to eating massive amounts of something that I have a hard time making my brain realize IT’S ENOUGH. I’ve started using smaller plates. I’m not seeing all the empty space on a plate and thinking I have to fill them with food. If it’s not on my plate, I’m not going to sit there and mindlessly eat it. And the things going on my plate are far healthier than they used to be.

3. What object does a serving size of meat compare to?

From my days in high school health class, I remember a serving size of meat being the size of the palm of your hand. The general rule of thumb (dear lord, did I really just type that…) is you always have your hands with you. It makes for an easy quick comparison.

But have you seen the size of a ‘portion’ in a restaurant lately?! The chicken boobie on my Applebee’s sandwich last weekend was easily two, if not three, portions. That thing was a hot mess, hanging all out of the bun. That chicken was STACKED! There used to be a day when I could (and would) eat the whole sandwich in one sitting. And the fries, but now I order veggies or a salad and steal some of Hubster’s fries. What’s yours is mine, right??? Hubster ends up eating some of my food and I take the rest home. Two meals for the (over)price of one!

This week the treadmill was my beach. It kicked my azz.

Tuesday morning I did one of the programmed workouts. It was easier than I expected, so I did another one and went about my day. I had a serious exercise high and decided to workout again. I wanted to try running. My goal was a mile. I cranked the tunes and started running. I made it the mile, but not without a lot of huffing, puffing and four letter words running through my head. I walked another mile for a cool down.

A few hours later, it hit me. It was Tuesday. The day I planned to meet up with a friend and go walking. I was feeling good and did a bunch of stretching before and after running. I was good to go.

We ended up walking three miles. No biggie, I didn’t push myself walking. I’d had lots of water. I was feeling goooood. I was high on life and exercise!

Wednesday morning I woke up, bright-eyed, bushy tailed and well rested after sleeping like a baby. And then I tried to get out of bed. Oh. My. Word.

Then I tried to get in the shower. I literally had to give myself a pep talk to step into the tub. Shaving my legs was not going to happen. I  had enought issues standing upright on two legs, there was NO WAY I was going to balance and lean. Not. Gonna. Happen. It took another pep talk and several failed attempts to get out of the shower. My twitter stream and facebook page were full of my mobility woes. There were a few times through out the day where I was in a position I didn’t know if I could get out of.  I won’t even share about using the bathroom. Nightmare!  Hubbs found it all quite entertaining. Ass. I walked a 1.5 miles and did some yoga when I got home to try and loosen myself up.

Thursday morning I literally could. not. move. and was very thankful to have the day off. The rest of the week I focused on upper body and yoga.

Now that I’m slacking feeling more like normal, I’m going to go back to using the treadmill with a little less gusto and not doing so much all at once. I think my body will thank me later…

It’s Easter this weekend and that means lots of family gatherings and lots and lots of food temptations. I think knowing there’s going to be a lot of food makes it easier to resist over eating and making good choices when it comes to putting things in my mouth and body. And I threw up jelly beans after eating something else that didn’t agree with me…I don’t think those are going to be an issue.

We’ll be spending Easter Sunday with B’s family. I’ll really have to work on not emo eating for feeling like I abandonded some part of my family for the Easter Celebrations. Celebrating with B’s family was my idea. I didn’t want to be put in the position of having to choose which parents I would be spending time with. Easter is a celebration, not a time to beat myself up and feel like a bad daughter for choosing one parent over the other. I almost wish there was a custody agreement between my parents (and in-laws) so I knew where to be when and who with…

It will be a good week. I will make good decisions for my physical and mental health. I will not freak out about things completely out of my control.

Have a fabulous week!

Oh. My. Life.

Image via Wikipedia

Holy Moses. It has been a weeeeeeeek. My as needed Xanax is slowly disappearing and those wisps of hair growing in my bald patch(es) are no more. Seriously, losing hair as a 25-year-old female causes lots and lots of stress. As if I needed anymore.

A week that’s made me more than a little nostalgic for my younger days. Someone else paid the bills. Did the laundry. Made dinner. Drove me to and fro.

Damn the adult responsibilities. There are some serious perks to adulthood…no bed time, unlimited tv, booze and sex. You know, the GOOD ones.

It’s the ultimate paradox. When you’re a kid you can’t wait to grow up. When you’re a grown up or of grown up age at least… you’d do just about anything to give up the mortgage, phone bills, grocery shopping, car insurance, etc for a few nights of tag and catching fireflies in jars for ‘pets’.

This week, adulthood has kicked.my.ass.

Between my car needing $3,000 of repairs the ballpark figure I paid for it 5 years ago…  looking for a new car, getting the financials figured out for a new car, buying a new car, getting the old car and new car back home, transferring plates oh wait, my car was registered to my parents, not me, having my parents sign off on the title oops, I wasn’t on that either… trying to sell the old car, towing and scrapping the old car because it died THREE MILES DOWN THE HIGHWAY (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and some revelations and insight into my parents’ relationship, working, sleeping and being a responsible adult I have had enough. I need an adult beverage, a 12 hour sleep coma and a massage in no particular order.

Huge, massive, extreme THANK YOUS to B’s parents for letting us borrow one of their cars while mine was in the shop and we were looking for a new one. Having two cars took A LOT of stress off my shoulders. Mad props to the FIL for shopping around for a reliable car and a great price! If the sales man wouldn’t put his daughter in the car, Pop C wouldn’t either. Awwww. 🙂  And for being our road side assistance and pushing the car and B off the highway.  Three miles down the road, that p.i.t.a. died. No steering, no brakes. Nothing. THREE MILES! Thankfully it was three miles from M/FIL and not three miles from our house. We would have been royally screwed if it wasn’t for them!

Thankfully all current and old car issues have been taken care of or can easily be fixed, but dang if that wasn’t a stressful few days.

I don’t think the same can be said of my parents’ marriage. And I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I was hanging out at my parents’  house with my mom when my dad dropped my sister off and came inside to get a few things. It was the first time I’d seen the two of them together at the same time since they separated let alone in the house I grew up in. It was so strange, weird, uncomfortable. The indifference I felt between my parents shocks and amazes me. Not in a good way. That totally surprised me to the point that I immediately had to leave. I could not be there. I felt uncomfortable around my family. I’m sure B was shocked to find his wife in a ball sobbing, hyperventilating and  hysterical when he got home from work. Poor guy.

My parents have had issues and problems for a few years. For me, it was never an issue of IF something was going to happen but WHEN. My parents separated the weekend after Thanksgiving. The same week I turned 25 and was diagnosed with fertility issues. it was one hell of a week, that’s for sure… Mom and Dad lived under the same roof, slept in the same bed, but it was like they were just coexisting under the same roof. I didn’t know it could deteriorate any more than that, but it has.

I don’t see my parents ever repairing their marriage or living under the same roof again. I want both of my parents to be happy. If they’re happier not being together (which they both seem to be at the moment) I don’t see an other outcome. It truly isn’t going to get any better.

 I’m a little pissed about it, but for selfish reasons.

Now I have to choose decide where to go for holidays, birthdays, graduations. Figuring out holidays between B’s family and mine was hard enough, but now I have one more person to disappoint, reject, let down consider.

I feel like I’m at war and an emotional nuclear bomb dropped right on top of my family. Who do I run to… who do I help first? Dad? Mom? My sisters? My husband? Myself?

Those days of tag and pet fireflies sound really good right now. But I wouldn’t say no to an adult beverage and a nap either.

Never Did I Ever

Never did I ever think

I would get semi-drunkish with my dad.

Create a profile for a dating service while married…

to look at my father’s profile.

Get matched with my dad. Shudder!

I would give my father dating advice.

Critique my dad’s online dating profile.

Help my father write an email to someone he’s potentially interested in meeting up with.

Talk about ‘adult relations’ with my dad.

Admit to a less than wholesome adolescence. TO MY FATHER!

The demise of my parents’s marriage would affect me the way it is.

The thought of my parents divorcing would send me to swallow a Xanax and pray for the anxiety/panic attack to wait until Dad left to take over.

Never did I ever, but it all happened.

 It was not the Saturday night I was expecting when I woke up this morning…that’s for sure.