#Mamavation Monuesday

My computer is having some issues and my smart phone is making me seriously question the IQ of said smart phone…

This week has had it’s fair share of ups and downs emotionally. I’ve REALLY struggled with emo eating. Whenever I felt the urge to emo eat I did some jj or push-ups. Something to give me a few extra minutes to rethink if I really wanted to eat my feelings.

My system was working really well…until I managed to somehow tweak something in my knee and walking, lunging stretching became PAINFUL!

Moderation Easter wasn’t as much of a struggle as I thought it would be. Thank goodness for styrofoam platter plates with specific sections! Portion sizes weren’t such a guessing game. We *did* have an Easter eggs hunt even though the youngest cousin is 15… but the eggs were filled with coins and just a few with chocolates.

I was doing pretty well with all the stuff on my emotional plate. Until yesterday when I got bad news about my job. Now I’m completely overwhelmed. I’m giving myself 24 hours to feel badly about what has most recently turned my life upside down. You’d think that with all the things turning my life upside down EVENTUALLY things would turn right side up again…! Then I’m putting on my big girl pants, pulling myself up by my boot straps and every other cliche out there.

I can do this. I will do this. One emotional shit storm filled day at a time.

Wordless Wednesday

No words

I have no words.

No words to describe the inner battle going on inside me.

No words that I can share with anyone.

Because it’s a ‘secret’.

And it’s not my secret to share.

I can’t vent my feelings.

It would give the secret away.

But it’s eating me up inside.

#Mamavation Mondays

1. Rank the following fats from most healthy to least healthy:

saturated fat, polysatured fat, monosaturated fat, trans fat

According to about.com Saturated fat is the healthiest fat, monosaturated fat, polysaturated fat aren’t terrible (but there was a little give and take on which was worse) and the bad boy…trans fat.

2. How do you measure portion control with your lifestyle?

There used to be NO portion control in my life. I would sit with a bag of chips or some other muchie and just eat. Until the bad was gone. My portion was the entire bag.

Now, I ACTUALLY LOOK AND SEE WHAT A SERVING SIZE IS. Yep, it can be that easy. I don’t know why I didn’t do it before!  I look at the serving size, break out my trusty measuring cup (or eye ball it) and I’m good to go.

Amazingly, a portion size doesn’t usually leave me still hungry. Who knew?! I’m so used to eating massive amounts of something that I have a hard time making my brain realize IT’S ENOUGH. I’ve started using smaller plates. I’m not seeing all the empty space on a plate and thinking I have to fill them with food. If it’s not on my plate, I’m not going to sit there and mindlessly eat it. And the things going on my plate are far healthier than they used to be.

3. What object does a serving size of meat compare to?

From my days in high school health class, I remember a serving size of meat being the size of the palm of your hand. The general rule of thumb (dear lord, did I really just type that…) is you always have your hands with you. It makes for an easy quick comparison.

But have you seen the size of a ‘portion’ in a restaurant lately?! The chicken boobie on my Applebee’s sandwich last weekend was easily two, if not three, portions. That thing was a hot mess, hanging all out of the bun. That chicken was STACKED! There used to be a day when I could (and would) eat the whole sandwich in one sitting. And the fries, but now I order veggies or a salad and steal some of Hubster’s fries. What’s yours is mine, right??? Hubster ends up eating some of my food and I take the rest home. Two meals for the (over)price of one!

This week the treadmill was my beach. It kicked my azz.

Tuesday morning I did one of the programmed workouts. It was easier than I expected, so I did another one and went about my day. I had a serious exercise high and decided to workout again. I wanted to try running. My goal was a mile. I cranked the tunes and started running. I made it the mile, but not without a lot of huffing, puffing and four letter words running through my head. I walked another mile for a cool down.

A few hours later, it hit me. It was Tuesday. The day I planned to meet up with a friend and go walking. I was feeling good and did a bunch of stretching before and after running. I was good to go.

We ended up walking three miles. No biggie, I didn’t push myself walking. I’d had lots of water. I was feeling goooood. I was high on life and exercise!

Wednesday morning I woke up, bright-eyed, bushy tailed and well rested after sleeping like a baby. And then I tried to get out of bed. Oh. My. Word.

Then I tried to get in the shower. I literally had to give myself a pep talk to step into the tub. Shaving my legs was not going to happen. I  had enought issues standing upright on two legs, there was NO WAY I was going to balance and lean. Not. Gonna. Happen. It took another pep talk and several failed attempts to get out of the shower. My twitter stream and facebook page were full of my mobility woes. There were a few times through out the day where I was in a position I didn’t know if I could get out of.  I won’t even share about using the bathroom. Nightmare!  Hubbs found it all quite entertaining. Ass. I walked a 1.5 miles and did some yoga when I got home to try and loosen myself up.

Thursday morning I literally could. not. move. and was very thankful to have the day off. The rest of the week I focused on upper body and yoga.

Now that I’m slacking feeling more like normal, I’m going to go back to using the treadmill with a little less gusto and not doing so much all at once. I think my body will thank me later…

It’s Easter this weekend and that means lots of family gatherings and lots and lots of food temptations. I think knowing there’s going to be a lot of food makes it easier to resist over eating and making good choices when it comes to putting things in my mouth and body. And I threw up jelly beans after eating something else that didn’t agree with me…I don’t think those are going to be an issue.

We’ll be spending Easter Sunday with B’s family. I’ll really have to work on not emo eating for feeling like I abandonded some part of my family for the Easter Celebrations. Celebrating with B’s family was my idea. I didn’t want to be put in the position of having to choose which parents I would be spending time with. Easter is a celebration, not a time to beat myself up and feel like a bad daughter for choosing one parent over the other. I almost wish there was a custody agreement between my parents (and in-laws) so I knew where to be when and who with…

It will be a good week. I will make good decisions for my physical and mental health. I will not freak out about things completely out of my control.

Have a fabulous week!

Watch out, World. Mother Nature and I are PMS-ing.

Mother Nature and I both have a serious case of PMS.

I know I live in Michigan and ask myself why on earth we bought a house here when I’m snowblowing the drive, shoveling to the mailbox, sliding all over the road while driving… but what the hell, Mother Nature?! Yesterday, on the 16th of April, it was snowing. SNOWING! Last Sunday I had the windows in the car rolled down and the music turned up. I actually debated turning on the air in the car. It was GORGEOUS! And last night it snowed…the same day my daffodils bloomed. Seriously, what the hell?!

Yes, I’m hard-core PMS-ing. Pre-menstural is just a figment of my imagination. I am a crazy, crampy, whirlwind of emotions before, during and at times, after my period. And yet my husband loves me anyway…

I actually got a period. I only skipped two months instead of four.

Here’s hoping something is starting to work and my body is starting to become normal.  I said body, I never claimed to be anywhere near normal myself.

I REALLY hope this period isn’t as miserable as the last one. I really don’t think I can handle two weeks of hourly bathroom trips and leakage. And the brown sheets are in the laundry. I have zero desire to do laundry…

Sometimes I think life would be a lot easier if I were a man…

Oh. My. Life.

Image via Wikipedia

Holy Moses. It has been a weeeeeeeek. My as needed Xanax is slowly disappearing and those wisps of hair growing in my bald patch(es) are no more. Seriously, losing hair as a 25-year-old female causes lots and lots of stress. As if I needed anymore.

A week that’s made me more than a little nostalgic for my younger days. Someone else paid the bills. Did the laundry. Made dinner. Drove me to and fro.

Damn the adult responsibilities. There are some serious perks to adulthood…no bed time, unlimited tv, booze and sex. You know, the GOOD ones.

It’s the ultimate paradox. When you’re a kid you can’t wait to grow up. When you’re a grown up or of grown up age at least… you’d do just about anything to give up the mortgage, phone bills, grocery shopping, car insurance, etc for a few nights of tag and catching fireflies in jars for ‘pets’.

This week, adulthood has kicked.my.ass.

Between my car needing $3,000 of repairs the ballpark figure I paid for it 5 years ago…  looking for a new car, getting the financials figured out for a new car, buying a new car, getting the old car and new car back home, transferring plates oh wait, my car was registered to my parents, not me, having my parents sign off on the title oops, I wasn’t on that either… trying to sell the old car, towing and scrapping the old car because it died THREE MILES DOWN THE HIGHWAY (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and some revelations and insight into my parents’ relationship, working, sleeping and being a responsible adult I have had enough. I need an adult beverage, a 12 hour sleep coma and a massage in no particular order.

Huge, massive, extreme THANK YOUS to B’s parents for letting us borrow one of their cars while mine was in the shop and we were looking for a new one. Having two cars took A LOT of stress off my shoulders. Mad props to the FIL for shopping around for a reliable car and a great price! If the sales man wouldn’t put his daughter in the car, Pop C wouldn’t either. Awwww. 🙂  And for being our road side assistance and pushing the car and B off the highway.  Three miles down the road, that p.i.t.a. died. No steering, no brakes. Nothing. THREE MILES! Thankfully it was three miles from M/FIL and not three miles from our house. We would have been royally screwed if it wasn’t for them!

Thankfully all current and old car issues have been taken care of or can easily be fixed, but dang if that wasn’t a stressful few days.

I don’t think the same can be said of my parents’ marriage. And I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I was hanging out at my parents’  house with my mom when my dad dropped my sister off and came inside to get a few things. It was the first time I’d seen the two of them together at the same time since they separated let alone in the house I grew up in. It was so strange, weird, uncomfortable. The indifference I felt between my parents shocks and amazes me. Not in a good way. That totally surprised me to the point that I immediately had to leave. I could not be there. I felt uncomfortable around my family. I’m sure B was shocked to find his wife in a ball sobbing, hyperventilating and  hysterical when he got home from work. Poor guy.

My parents have had issues and problems for a few years. For me, it was never an issue of IF something was going to happen but WHEN. My parents separated the weekend after Thanksgiving. The same week I turned 25 and was diagnosed with fertility issues. it was one hell of a week, that’s for sure… Mom and Dad lived under the same roof, slept in the same bed, but it was like they were just coexisting under the same roof. I didn’t know it could deteriorate any more than that, but it has.

I don’t see my parents ever repairing their marriage or living under the same roof again. I want both of my parents to be happy. If they’re happier not being together (which they both seem to be at the moment) I don’t see an other outcome. It truly isn’t going to get any better.

 I’m a little pissed about it, but for selfish reasons.

Now I have to choose decide where to go for holidays, birthdays, graduations. Figuring out holidays between B’s family and mine was hard enough, but now I have one more person to disappoint, reject, let down consider.

I feel like I’m at war and an emotional nuclear bomb dropped right on top of my family. Who do I run to… who do I help first? Dad? Mom? My sisters? My husband? Myself?

Those days of tag and pet fireflies sound really good right now. But I wouldn’t say no to an adult beverage and a nap either.

#Mamavation Mondays

Cover of The Godfather (Widescreen Edition)

It’s been an AWESOME weekend.

B and I made the trek to his hometown to spend time with Momma and Poppa C, various aunts and uncles and Grandpa C for Grandpa’s 86th birthday celebration weekend. It was a ton of fun. B’s side of the family is great. Poppa C is 100% Italian…spending time with them is like being part of The Family, but without all the busting caps in people’s asses, breaking knee caps, thick Jersey accents and jail time. When it comes to this side of the family, if you don’t think anyone is listening to you, talk louder. There’s always lots of good-natured ball busting, laughter with lots and lots of food.

Oh, the food!

After stepping on the scale for the first time in who knows how long, I am down 17 pounds since February!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was exactly the push I needed to help me make better choices about the quality and quantity of food I ate this weekend.

Saturday when we got to town we had lunch and we ended up having dinner earlier than planned. I wasn’t as hungry as I normally would be for dinner so I ate smaller portions. A completely foreign concept to me until recently. I passed on the brownies and only ate part of a piece of cake. It was okay cake, but my sister works in a Dutch bakery when she’s home. I’ve been completely spoiled and have turned into a bitch of a cake snob…

Sunday morning I went a little nuts and had French toast, but when Momma C offers to make me breakfast, I’m not going to say no! And it was a great bonding time with just us girls while the boys slept in. Steaks for lunch were delish, but the only thing I got seconds of were the fresh beans and steamed broccoli. And I may or may not have had love affair with melon and fresh strawberries all Sunday afternoon…and Saturday night.

I don’t know if the in-laws are preparing healthier food because they want to, know that eating differently is something I’m striving to do Man, how selfish did that sound… or if I’m seeing healthier options and going for those. Really, all that matters is that it’s happening and I’m fueling my body with food, not fluff. I did drink more than a little pop. I’d gone a whole week without drinking ANY and just got swept up and went back to old habits. Oh well, it’s a new week and I can get back on the no pop wagon tomorrow.

It was an excellent weekend.

That  made it all the harder when I my phone rang this morning and it was B coming out of a seizure. He was lost, confused, disoriented and worried about making it to work. He gets so upset with himself when he has a seizure. I can only imagine how it feels to come back to reality and not know what’s going on, but I don’t think it’s something he should beat himself up for. It’s not like he decides today would be a good day for a seizure. I really wish there was something I could do for him. I hate that he feel so helpless. And that I’m helpless to do anything to help him. It’s like jumping into a pool to save a drowning person and realizing I don’t know how to swim as soon as I hit the water. I REALLY wish there was a magic pill that would just take away the seizures. Trust me, B’s tried almost every seizure medication out there, but he just hasn’t found his magic pill.

It’s a new day, week, month. It can only get better from here. Right?