Losses and Gains

24 May

I CANNOT believe May is almost over and June is right around the corner. It blows my mind that 2011 is frigging half gone already! And it got me thinking about all the things that have happened so far.. all the changes to my life, my loved ones and myself. What have you lost, gained or changed so far this year?

In the past six month lots and lots and LOTS of things have changed. I’ve lost quite a bit and I’ve gained more than I ever thought possible.

I’ve gained facebook friends, twitter followers, friendship, love and support of some pretty awesome, fabulous, kick-ass, hilarious, phenomenal Mamavation ladies who shared in my blood, sweat, tears, frustrations, laughter and silliness. These ladies have helped me see hope, gain confidence in myself and my abilities and supported me in losing around 25 lbs.

I’ve gained an infertility diagnosis and a lifelong medical issue. I’ve lost a little bit of hope with each skipped period. Every stick I’ve peed on that comes up with one line takes a smidgen more of my resolve. I’ve gained love, support and understanding from the unlikeliest of people and places. I’ve lost some respect for the people I thought should and could have loved and supported me the most.

I’ve lost my family and my sense of belonging. My parents’ separation has ripped my family apart, completely changing my family unit as I knew it. I’ve lost my sense of home. The place I grew up isn’t where my family lives, it’s where PARTS of my family live, but somehow I’ve gained different and stronger relationships with each of my parents and all of my sisters regardless of how each of us feels about the separation.

I’ve gained anxiety and panic attacks, bouts of depression and an almost debilitating fear the same thing could happen to my little family. I’m fearful of what the future holds for six (7 including B) of us. Leave and cleave has never had more meaning.

I’m easily overwhelmed around my family. I can’t handle hours upon hours of family time like I used to enjoy. That pisses me off.

I’ve become protective of how the separation looks to people on the outside. And people on the inside. I didn’t say anything to anyone about it for a long time. It was a dirty little secret. I’m just starting to gain my voice. I’m mourning the loss of my family. I’m  gaining a renewed faith and strength in my marriage and the knowledge that communication is more important that ever.

I’ve lost a few friends. I now know who I can trust and confide in and who I can’t. I’ve gained a more meaningful relationship with my in-laws. I’ve gained a bond with a SIL that never would have happened without the separation.  For that, I’m thankful.

Through all the losses and gains this past half a year, one thing stands out and means the very most to me. Despite all the emotional ups and downs, crying, complaining, bitching, whining, anxiety, hysteria, hurt and neglect  I’ve gained love, care, strength, compassion, support, understanding and a stronger bond with B. And that’s one thing I never, ever want to lose.

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