Putting It All Out There

13 Jun

I’m trying to lose weight and get healthy. 

People on twitter know this, but not a whole lot of people I’ve met in real life know what I’m trying to do.

My mom and sisters know.

And that’s about it.

I’m too scared to say it out loud.

Because I’m absolutely terrified I’m going to fail.

I’m not sharing my ups and downs because I’m afraid someone is going to throw it in my face. It’s happened before. Once burned, twice shy.

I’m afraid of not living up to people’s expectations.

My own expectations most of all.

I know I’m wonderfully and fearfully made, that I’m not like anyone else, but there are moments I wish I was.

I wish I had self-control and discipline.

I wish I didn’t have the damn insulin resistance and PCOS.

And the thing that holds me back the most and pisses me off the most?

My brother is losing weight.

Rapidly

And I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep up with him.

I’m afraid I won’t get the positive reinforcement I SO desperately need because it is so difficult for me to lose weight.

know how dumb that is for me to think.

I want to bitch slap myself.

In my head I know no one is going to compare me to my brother.

But *I* am.

I know I shouldn’t.

I realize we’re two completely different people.

With different goals.

Drives.

Obstacles.

I can’t get my heart on the same level.

The distance between my head and heart can be so incredibly far sometimes.

But.

I’m not doing this for recognition.

I’m doing it to get HEALTHY.

I’m doing it for me.

For my future family with B.

So, I’m going to put it out there.

I’m actually going to talk about it with friends and family.

I’m going to put it all out on facebook for people I know in real life to see.

I will not be my own worst enemy anymore.

I will not wimp out.

I will do this in my own time.

I will be supported and loved every step of the way.

Most importantly,

I will be successful.

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8 Responses to “Putting It All Out There”

  1. Pamela Gold June 13, 2011 at 9:03 am #

    You’re timid, yet incredibly strong. You can do this and you know why? Because you already are! Do you feel better? Are your clothes fitting better? Is your head held a little higher? Keep on keeping on because you’re going to get there bit by bit.

    • smallworldbiggirl June 13, 2011 at 10:58 am #

      It’s so much easier for me to be fierce about my friends and family. I need to be fierce and believe in myself.
      Thanks for the confidence boost, Pamela. You are the shit. 🙂

  2. Sarah June 13, 2011 at 12:29 pm #

    You can do this! And there is a whole community of weight loss/healthy living bloggers out there who will support you. You and your brother are different people — do this your way, at your pace, in your time.

    • smallworldbiggirl June 13, 2011 at 12:36 pm #

      Thanks for the support, Sarah! It’s EXACTLY what I needed to hear. 🙂

  3. Megan @mnmspecial June 13, 2011 at 12:48 pm #

    So proud of you! I put it out there and got it bad from my husband’s brother, but my husband stood by me. It took a long time to get over it & a lawyer, but I see where you are coming from. I know this is a hard post for you. But putting it out there will only build your support team.
    Its hard not to compare ourselves to siblings (mine is a size 0). You are right he has different goals/reasons & boys drop weight faster. Your body can do it. Just take your time to prepare it for long term results. There is no quick fix.
    Big hugs Sista! You got this. I’m with you 100% as my head & heart are hanging out in the same place as yours.

    • smallworldbiggirl June 13, 2011 at 1:04 pm #

      I’m 99% sure my family and B’s family will be supportive, but that damn 1% keeps standing in my way. NOT ANY MORE!
      I was really nervous for this post to publish and I wanted to delete it. Now I feel empowered. This post never would have happened without you. You rock my socks off! 🙂

  4. kim sisto robinson June 15, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

    ~~Don’t bitch slap yourself. You are toooo precious & beautiful for that!!
    Take One. Step. At. A. Time.
    That’s it. Take is slow.
    If you fall ….get up…try again.
    And Don’t let me hear you say you’re going to bitch slap yourself again!! 🙂

  5. Amanda June 17, 2011 at 12:24 am #

    No comparing yourself to anyone. YOU can do this.
    Take it one day at a time. Eventually you’ll get there. And when you do, all the hard work you’ve put into this will make you appreciate the end goal that much more.
    Love!

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