People on twitter know this, but not a whole lot of people I’ve met in real life know what I’m trying to do.
My mom and sisters know.
And that’s about it.
I’m too scared to say it out loud.
Because I’m absolutely terrified I’m going to fail.
I’m not sharing my ups and downs because I’m afraid someone is going to throw it in my face. It’s happened before. Once burned, twice shy.
I’m afraid of not living up to people’s expectations.
My own expectations most of all.
I know I’m wonderfully and fearfully made, that I’m not like anyone else, but there are moments I wish I was.
I wish I had self-control and discipline.
I wish I didn’t have the damn insulin resistance and PCOS.
And the thing that holds me back the most and pisses me off the most?
My brother is losing weight.
And I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep up with him.
I’m afraid I won’t get the positive reinforcement I SO desperately need because it is so difficult for me to lose weight.
I know how dumb that is for me to think.
I want to bitch slap myself.
In my head I know no one is going to compare me to my brother.
But *I* am.
I know I shouldn’t.
I realize we’re two completely different people.
With different goals.
I can’t get my heart on the same level.
The distance between my head and heart can be so incredibly far sometimes.
I’m not doing this for recognition.
I’m doing it to get HEALTHY.
I’m doing it for me.
For my future family with B.
So, I’m going to put it out there.
I’m actually going to talk about it with friends and family.
I’m going to put it all out on facebook for people I know in real life to see.
I will not be my own worst enemy anymore.
I will not wimp out.
I will do this in my own time.
I will be supported and loved every step of the way.
I will be successful.