Pregnancy Guilt

13 Sep

Is it wrong to feel guilty about being pregnant when so many friends in real life and the infertility community on twitter are struggling to get and stay pregnant?

Each couple’s infertility story and journey is different and unique to them.

Comparatively, our journey could be a lot different.

I stopped taking birth control pills shortly after our first anniversary summer of 2010. We weren’t trying, but we weren’t not trying either.

Then I missed my period.

Holy crap!

The pregnancy test was negative.

No big deal, my body just needs time to adjust. I’d been on the pill for about 5 years to help with extreme cramping and really heavy periods.

My period never came.

I took pregnancy tests every few weeks on the off chance that I was somehow pregnant. Always trying to prepare myself to see the one line but hoping to see those two lines saying I was pregnant.

B knew that something was going on, but I took great lengths to hide all the pregnancy tests and tried not to show him how scared I was that I would never be able to give him the kids he wanted. In the back of my mind I didn’t want him to regret marrying someone who couldn’t make him a Dad.  Tampon boxes are the perfect hiding place. 

By November I still hadn’t had a period. I scheduled an appointment to see my doctor and have all the tests done.

Thanksgiving weekend 2010, the bottom fell out of my world. My parents separated. The family unit I had known my entire life was changing. A few days later I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and was told the chances of my getting pregnant without significant medical intervention were slim to none.  And two days after that I turned 25. Happy freaking birthday to me.

Telling Brian I wasn’t going to be able to have children was far and away the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I don’t know if it was the wine or the hours and hours of crying but I felt like absolute ca-ca the next morning. Emotional hangover mixed with wine hangover- no bueno!

I started meds for the treatment of the pcos and prenatal vitamins for the other symptoms I was experiencing. (Acne, hair loss, facial hair, bumpy and brittle finger nails) I wanted to punch the pharmacy tech who congratulated me on my pregnancy and need for prenatals. Jackhole.

After several months of missed periods and then periods that lasted 2+ weeks my family doctor sent me to a fertility specialist. After looking at my temperature charts and being monitored by the specialist, she wanted me to start taking Clomid December of 2011 and go from there. After failed Clomid cycles I wanted to hold off on doing another until we figured out how and if B’s new epilepsy meds were going to affect  his fertility. I didn’t see the point in spending time, money, energy and heartache until we knew for sure something else wasn’t going on.

After taking the Clomid I had 2 regular periods. I was really excited that my body was actually starting to function in the way it was supposed to, but cautiously optimistic. I didn’t want to get my hopes up on to have my heart broken. Again.

My period was due 10th-20th of March if things were going to keep going regularly, but it never came.

I finally decided to take a pregnancy test April 7th, 2012 just to see what was going on.

Holy shit, it was positive. As were the next 6 tests I took. 

I was pregnant.

I’ve only had minor complications, right at and just after viability.

 

Getting pregnant definitely wasn’t wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am easy.  But it wasn’t failed fertility treatment after failed fertility treatment after miscarriage after miscarriage, or (so far) dealt with serious complications to me or Nugget.

For that, I feel guilty. It’s not fair that I’m pregnant and will have a baby after 2 years at 27 years old. There are TONS of women who have tried for 2, 6, 8 times longer.

I definitely don’t wish away this miracle pregnancy. I  feel guilty for feeling guilty. But I feel guilty all the same.

I just wish I could wave a magic wand and take away the heartache and financial and emotional cost of infertility and give everyone who wanted it a happy, healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy.

Infertility just sucks a big one.

 

 

Please feel free to comment but note that these are my genuine thoughts and feelings- word vomit or not. Please be kind. 

 

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5 Responses to “Pregnancy Guilt”

  1. Kate Zepp September 13, 2012 at 10:55 pm #

    So, here’s the thing. You know where I stand on this issue, but it is worth repeating. Remember that the greatest thing through all of this struggle to hang on to is hope. By succeeding, you are a symbol of hope. Do not deny yourself the joy that you have earned. Do not waste your time feeling guilty. I, for one, am ecstatic for you. I feel no negative emotions for you, your story, or anything else. You are a symbol of hope and strength.

    • Lo September 13, 2012 at 11:04 pm #

      You are one of the most fabulous people I have ever had the joy of having met. Thank you for the reminder. ❤

  2. Sarah September 26, 2012 at 12:07 pm #

    Enjoy this pregnancy! Life has thrown you some shitty circumstances, and now you get to just enjoy being a mom-to-be! Do that!

    This message brought to you by a woman who just miscarried last month. I speak for myself (and not other women in similar circumstances) in saying that I am happy for you and want to see you be happy, and my miscarriage does not change that. I wish things turned out differently for my husband and I, but it does not diminish the feelings of joy we share when couples announce their pregnancies.

    • Lo September 26, 2012 at 2:06 pm #

      Thanks, Sarah! I’m so sorry you’re going through the emotional roller coaster of miscarriage. Sending you big, big hugs of support. And thanks.

  3. Marcel N. Dawson January 7, 2013 at 8:07 pm #

    If not getting pregnant is contributing to depression, it seems logical to assume that finally achieving pregnancy will cure depression. However, this isn’t always the case. In fact, those who have experienced infertility are more likely to feel depression during pregnancy and are at an increased risk for postpartum depression.

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