I went to the dentist this week for a filling, had my bite adjusted and to get molds taken for a bite guard. I’m mean to my teeth. I find myself almost constantly clenching my teeth. It’s a completely subconscious thing. It’s worse when I sleep. I sound like I’m chewing rocks…when I’m not talking in my sleep. B really hit the jackpot with me! I don’t know how that poor man gets any sleep.
I’m a fan of my dentist. She’s the only dentist I’ve ever had. She’s a very nice woman…when she doesn’t have something in my mouth. All the drilling and grinding and sharp, scary looking tools freak me out. Seriously, have you looked at one of those sharp scraping things? Scary! And they look even more menacing when that bright light that shines in your face reflects off of it. Be still my heart. It’s a good thing they don’t take my blood pressure there!
I love my dentist but she doesn’t tell me what the hell she’s doing in there. All I hear is the drilling and grinding and scraping. It. Freaks. Me. Out.
I don’t enjoy going to the gyno either. My first pelvic exam scarred me for life. My doctor was male. Why are men vagina doctors? They don’t and can’t understand menstrual cramps, chocolate cravings and the all important flow/color of pants ratio! A balding male. I swear he buffed his head every morning. His head was HIGHLY reflective. I could see EVERYTHING! There are things I now know about myself that I wish I could forget! The gyno has some pretty scary instruments, too. The first time I saw a speculum I thought I was going to pass out. That’s big ass thing is going up WHERE?!?!
Scarring moments, large instruments up my ba-jingo and male pattern baldness aside, the gyno does have one thing going for them that Dr. Dentist doesn’t. As much as I wish they would just shut up and get it over with, they always tell me what they’re going before they do it and why. You’re going to feel me touch. It’s just my hand. It better just be your hand! There are times I could do without the play-by-play of my personal vagina monologues, but it’s nice to know what’s going on (and in, haha) down there.
I wish the dentist would do the same thing. I would appreciate knowing what you’re using, doing and why. I’d like to know what the hell you’re doing to my teeth that sounds so god-awful. It would really help my anxiety level. The stuff the dentist gives me makes me loopy enough, adding Xanax to that didn’t seem like such a good idea…
If the gyno ever brings out power tools for my ba-jingo, I’m out. There’s a time and place for those and lying on an uncomfortable, paper covered table wearing a frumpy hospital gown. I wouldn’t mind a compliment on my most recent vajazzling, though.