Isn’t It Ironic

12 May

*******If you’re a family member on either side, you may want to skip reading this post. It’s about to get a little, cough, personal.*******

Infertility.

This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently. I’m just going to put my thoughts all out there in a word vomit kind of way. It’s been really difficult for me to wrap my mind around. My whole thought process when it comes to this is all sorts of jumbled.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and my infertility diagnosis are something new to my life. I was diagnosed the week of my 25th birthday. My understanding of PCOS is that it’s usually diagnosed during teen years.

Am I a late bloomer?

My need for a bra before ANYONE else in my grade, or the grade above mine and my ‘becoming a woman’ between 4th and 5th grade says no…

So why did it take so long for my PCOS symptoms to make an appearance?

I was thin all through high school. Part of that was due to my complete asshole boyfriend who constantly told me I was fat, needed to lose weight, needed more make-up, etc. when I was actually smoking hawt and he was full. of. shit. It was only after I moved out and relied on fast food joints to feed myself that I started to have an issue with my weight. Imagine that! 

I find it ironic that it wasn’t until I was married and B and I were talking about having a conversation about talking about maybe having kids that I my symptoms started and I was diagnosed.

I am not a saint and my late teens and early 20s were no exception. I was…uh, experienced. Not exactly promiscuous, but no saint for sure. Oh em jeez. Am I really writing this where my parents or in-laws can find it. Oh lawd!  

I knew I wasn’t ready to be a parent. I took precautions. And  getting herp-a-syphil-itis isn’t on my bucket list. 

Now, when having kids isn’t (currently, if ever) an option, I wonder if there was a point.

Was getting pregnant even a possibility then?

I’m kind of kicking myself.

Why did I try so hard NOT to get pregnant if I can’t have kids now?! Granted, that potential child wouldn’t be Brian’s child, Brian and I may have never met, fallen in love and gotten married and I would forever have a tie to someone else, but what if? 

Have a totally lost my chance?

It sure as hell feels that way.

Isn’t it ironic.


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2 Responses to “Isn’t It Ironic”

  1. Nicole May 13, 2011 at 9:17 pm #

    Ugh… Ugh… Ugh… That’s what I have to say about all that you’re going through. I’m sure you’ll hear this from your family and you’ll get sick of hearing it from others, but you don’t know what good might come of this. I don’t say this to trivialize all the pain and confusion and frustration you’re going through. I just know a woman who couldn’t have kids and she adopted three and she now has the most adorable family. (Oh, yeah, and she had two of her own, even though doctors told her she couldn’t have any). But her adopted kids are just as precious to her. And she knows that she is giving them an amazing home that they wouldn’t have otherwise had. Anyway, that being said, I would be heartbroken and angry if I were in your shoes. Feel the hurt. That’s normal. Healthy. But maybe someday, you will look back and you will see something good. *Hugs*

    • smallworldbiggirl May 14, 2011 at 6:50 pm #

      It’s so diffucult to want something SOOOOOOOOO badly and know it’s not going to happen in the way (and time) that I want it to.
      In the end everything will all work out somehow and I’ll be a Momma one way or another.
      I appreciate your support and hugs. They mean so much to me. 🙂

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