Mamavation Monday 4

I’m giving way too much power to the scale. That number makes or breaks me. The scale and I are taking a break. I haven’t weighed myself this week, but there are some serious body changes going on. My undies will not stay put. They keep falling down inside my roomier pants. Multiple times a day my hand is down my pants hiking undergarments and pants back into place. Oh so attractive, but it’s better than the alternative! Footage on the security camera should be entertaining… 🙂

I’m a HUGE fan of ice cream. I’ve found an alternative! Frozen grapes. I know it sounds weird, but they’re wonderful! It’s cold and sweet and totally hits the spot! Satisfies my sweet tooth and ups my intake of fruits. Win-win!

Goals for the week. DRINK MORE WATER! I haven’t been sleeping well, so I’ve basically been main lining caffeine and not drinking enough water. When my pee is day glow, I know I’m not getting enough water. COOK MORE ON WEEKENDS. If I cook more healthy meals on the weekend, I have lots of healthy leftovers for the week. No fuss, no mess, just ready to eat food. Stopping  for fast food on the way home won’t be nearly as tempting and we’ll *hopefully* save some money not going out to eat as much. INCREASE THE TIME I SPEND WORKING OUT. I have a Nordic Track and I’m using it. I need to use it more. I want to up the time I spend using it. I want to go from 30 min 3x/week to 45 min 3x/week. I also need to start doing something at work. 12 hours is a long time to be mostly sedentary. And it’s boring.

This week’s Mamavation question asks what I’m doing to keep my heart healthy. I’m not sure if this means the organ that pumps blood through my body and keeps me alive heart, or the thing I wear on my sleeve,  is being torn in a million directions, belongs to my husband, heavily guarded heart.

When it comes to my heart the organ, I’m keeping it healthy by being aware of what I’m putting in my body. If it isn’t lean meat, whole grain,  fresh or steamed veggies, fresh fruit or a nice crisp salad I’m trying to think long and hard about putting it in my mouth.

 Are those few minutes of  a food-gasm worth how much harder my body has to work to work to process what I just ate. And how much harder I have to work to burn empty calories. I have insulin resistant PCOS so my body likes to hold on and make extra ‘fluff’. My body works hard for that fluff so it doesn’t want to give it up easily, making it extremely discouraging difficult for me to lose weight.

 Weight that makes my heart work harder when I get around. Do I really want to make it that much harder for myself? High blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes already run in my family. I’m fighting an uphill battle against my weight, my body and my genetic predisposition, but I am one stubborn you-know-what.

 I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to see how my meds for the insulin resistance and PCOS are working. They’re not. I have all of the side effects, and none of the benefits- I’m not seeing any changes for the better. I’m going to ask for a referral to a specialist and a dietician/nutritionist. I’m going to take every step I have available to me. This is the battle for my life and my health. I’m not going to go down without a fight!

I’m not doing such a good job of keeping my other heart healthy. My parents separated the weekend after Thanksgiving. It was a long time coming. Not a question of if something was going to happen, but when. That doesn’t mean it still isn’t a shock.

 My family is very important to me. I love my mom. I love my dad. I love my three little sisters. That’s five different directions I feel like I’m being pulled. I want to support each of my parents. I want to see each of them, spend time with them. That’s a lot more difficult when they aren’t living in the same house.

 I want to support each of my sisters. Each one of the three has different views and feelings about the separation, that’s more than okay. Every person in this situation is more than entitled to their thoughts and feelings.  Same or different from mine, but it’s really hard to be supportive when Sister X refuses to see/talk to Parent A. Or Sister Y thinks Parent B is 100% in the wrong or right. It’s exhausting.

I also love my husband. How can I be the best wife I know how to be when I feel like I’m being pulled in all these different directions? Or when he has the kind of family he had growing up with his mom being a SAHM and his parents happily married, more and more in love with each other everyday and just celebrating their 32nd wedding anniversary. My example of a family growing up were the families on TV that I watched while at the babysitter’s house. I grew up at someone else’s house with other people because Parent X worked full-time to support the family while Parent Y had their own business and worked it into the ground. X resented Y because they wanted to stay at home, but couldn’t because Y decided the job they had wasn’t what they wanted to do, started a business, then didn’t want to work to make that business successful. You can’t support the family with an unsuccessful business that’s bleeding your personal accounts dry. I was young, but I’m no idiot.

I don’t want or need my life to be perfect. My MIL didn’t do it all right, and my life wasn’t terrible. I want to be a good mom someday. I want to be a good wife, but I don’t know what that is, or how to do it. I want my husband to be happy, but I want to be happy too. I want to figure out how to be supportive of my family, but be supportive of my marriage too.  How do I be June Cleaver-esque, daughter, sister, friend and wife at the same time? I’m only one person.

Wow, that was a lot longer and emotionally draining post that I set out to write.  Now my brain and my heart hurt.